Perpetua Hughes

Perpetua Hughes

19-03-2022

10:50

House: 19-year-old triple-vaxxed female with myocarditis. Go. Foreman: Good looking girl...at college...I got to say drugs. House: Tox screen came back clean, roommate says she’s a model student - sorry Foreman, you’re going to have to find someone else to deal to. (1/10)

Chase: It’s obviously an infection - treat her with broad-spectrum antibiot... House: No recent illnesses, no exotic foreign travel. I know you’re in a rush to cure her before she ages out of your target dating demographic Chase, but we’ll need a little more effort.

Cameron: House, the data is clear: cardiac events like these are becoming increasingly common in younger people, due to factors like sedentary lifestyles, climate change... House: Well, Dr. Beauty-Before-Brains, the plural data in this case ARE not clear, unless you’re...

...suggesting we blame Real Housewives marathons or the industrial revolution and go home. Stick to the patient for now, you can get back to fixing society at lunch. Cuddy: I don’t get it...there’s nothing on this chart to explain why this girl is just barely hanging on.

House: OK, let me repeat the patient history, slowly: 19-year-old TRIPLE-VAXXED... Cuddy: House! Tread very carefully, I’ve just concluded MONTHS of painful fundraising with the reps at Pfizer for the new oncology wing.

House: I guess hot teenagers dropping like flies on treadmills is just the price we’ll have to pay to make sure those sick little cancer kiddos get the Pfizerbucks they need to afford razors for all that tiresome head shaving.

Foreman: The studies have consistently demonstrated that the vaccine is safe and effective. Millions of people her age have been inoculated, I still see plenty of hot teenagers running around. Her myocarditis is more likely a result of contracting COVID than taking the vax!

House: Yes, “Pfizer study concludes Pfizer vaccine safe” - I feel assured, don’t you? And she’s negative for antibodies, so with all her late-night study sessions she somehow dodged the rona - yet her arteries are now blacker than the guy who stole my bike last week.

Cameron: The police caught the guy who did it? House: No, they still have no idea. Cameron: *eye rolls*

Chase: So the treatment plan is...what? Tell her that she’s a fool for listening to CNN, and that Klaus Shwab and Bill Gates are to blame for the fact that she most likely won’t see 40?

*beeper sounds* House: Later - she’s coding. If we don’t perform a great reset on her heart fast, she won’t live to see the end of lockdown, let alone 40 - whichever comes first. And Foreman, no more ogling hot teenagers - remember, you’re the black one, Chase is the pervert.



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