I got an aromatherapy oil diffuser for work because we were in a crusty old office with no windows. Little did I realize the ramifications of the trend that I had started/1

Walking through the hallway became an assault on the olfactory sense. From lavender, to lemongrass, to sandalwood, each step past an open office door brought a blast of a pleasant but strong odor. /2

Each room had its own unique smell. My coworkers began to express their personalities with the oils they chose. It wasn’t long before cliques formed./3

There were those who looked down their noses at people who used scents they deemed were not up to sniff. The eucalyptus crowd was the most vicious. /4

Eventually, management had to step in to put a stop to the madness./5

The mist was as humid as a tropical rain forest. The air was more essential oil than breathable oxygen./6

Lavender, a once relaxing aroma, now triggers a fight or flight response as I remember sprinting through the accounting department/7

The real drama came when 2 alphas were in the same space. They each wanted to mark their territory with their own scent to establish dominance. Squabbles would break out over the oduer du jour ./8

The Coast Guard had to be called in when people tried being “creative” by mixing scents. These new concoctions have been officially updated in the Geneva Protocol./9

I couldn't avoid my job going to each room to fix computers. Every time I was working, I was forced to stand in an exquisite fart of my own making. No choice but to comment on their special scent as polite conversation. But this was what I wanted. I became immune/10

Unlike the infamously weak shark, I was effortlessly breathing in scented saltwater to freshwater and back again /11

I could not smell the blood (orange) in the water. Also unlike a shark/12

When covid hit, masks became a welcome respite and my most valuable tool. Allowing me to walk through visible clouds of dank vapors completely unfazed/13

Working from home was what really stopped the sweaty office walls from crumbling down around us. When my coworkers left, they took their diffusers and oils with them. But I know they’re still out there/14

I see them running in the backgrounds during our zoom meetings, spitting that damnable mist into the air we all breathe/15

I’ve grown to accept that I’ll never truly escape the diffused oils on some microscopic level. Their essence is in the air. They are essential oils after all/16 End