Dr. Nicole LePera

Dr. Nicole LePera

21-11-2022

16:44

We've mistaken longevity as the measure of a successful marriage. Here's a different way to look at what makes a successful marriage (or relationship) and why the end of a relationship doesn't mean you've failed. A THREAD ๐Ÿงต:

Longevity is viewed as the tell-tale sign of a successful marriage in our society. We celebrate anniversary milestones and admire couples who've been together for decades, but this says little (if anything) about the emotional health of the relationship.

The reality is: many long term relationships are disconnected, dysfunctional, or involve an ongoing lack of transparency. For some, staying together simply means tolerating each other. Or living as distant strangers.

And at times, it means living within normalized abuse. The cultural conditioning goes even deeper in that we believe the end of a marriage means we've failed.

And that the sole goal of any relationship is to keep it connected in the way we believed it would be, forever.

This conditioning can keep us stuck in cycles where: our needs aren't met, our vision or dreams aren't acknowledged, and we live within the resentment that comes when we consistently betray ourselves to keep a relationship going.

The goal of a relationship is actually to create a safe space for mutual freedom and evolution--whatever that looks like for you, as a partnership. Otherwise known as mature love.

Mature love involves: - transparency, authenticity, and vulnerability - understanding each other's trauma and how that shows up in the relationship - creating a safe space for self expression (something few of us had or witnessed as children)

- working past our egos - learning how to communicate, directly - learning to meet your own needs and the needs of your partner - learning how to navigate life as a team - consistent forgiveness of self and partner

In mature love, we create the safe connection needed to have true emotional intimacy. And on this path, we may come to the realization that our partnership doesn't work.

Ex: we understand that our needs simply won't be met, we have different values, we have a drastically different vision for the relationship, we notice our partner is not committed to themselves, substance abuse begins, or a non-negotiable has changed.

*A non-negotiable is something that must be present in the relationship for you to stay with in it. Ex: your partner must want to have children or you must be supported in having a career.

The end of a relationship can be a radical act of self love. And, (yes even when you have children) it can be powerful modeling of learning how to: release or let go, end something when it's toxic, or to trust yourself and your own intuition.

When a relationship ends, it's not a failure if you've learned and grown from the experience. For example: - Did you learn about who you are on a deeper level? - Are you more clear of what you want, and what you don't want?

- Are you more clear on what value you bring to a partnership? - Do you know the parts of yourself that you need to work on? - Do you see the role you've played in the past relationships dynamic

- Are you aware of what you'll do differently? - Are you aware of your relational triggers and better able to manage them?

Ultimately, people change. Relationships shift. Our needs shift as we age. And we outgrow people. This isn't a moral issue, it's a natural part of human existence.

Sometimes, the end of a relationship can mean it's the first time you've chosen yourself. And that is something to celebrate.

If you found this thread helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.


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